


april showers

by stevebuckiest



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky is going to punch Nick Fury, Captain America Steve Rogers/Modern Bucky Barnes, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nomad Steve Rogers, Showers, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, or he wants to be anyways, or lack thereof, over Steve's beard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-23 14:09:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23712730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stevebuckiest/pseuds/stevebuckiest
Summary: Steve’s next breath he takes in is shaky. “I just- It was a lot, today,” he says tiredly. “It always is, but it just hit me harder than usual today, is all.”“The mission?” Bucky asks, but Steve makes a noise of disagreement, tipping his head forward and down so he’s essentially hunched over the sink. Bucky’s heart aches, and he can’t help but take a few steps forward, still aching to touch, but not wanting to until Steve’s back isn’t to him. “Then what is it, baby? Tell me.”“Being him,” Steve whispers, and Bucky’s heart shatters at the weight the words hold. He knows exactly who Steve is referring to. Steve goes on, words spilling out like now that he’s started, he can’t stop. “I love helping people,” he stumbles out, voice rising with every word. “I love it, but I hate having to put on that costume- that persona- it makes me feel like a fraud, Bucky, it makes me feel like they own me sometimes!” He’s almost hysterical by the time he gets the last word out, and he spins around to finally face Bucky, gesturing wildly towards his face, still clean shaven from the orders he had received before he left. “Look at this shit, Bucky!” he hisses. “You know I don’t- I don’t want this!”
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 4
Kudos: 266





	april showers

**Author's Note:**

> steve deserves better always 

Bucky’s not the overbearing boyfriend type (or he tries not to be, anyways), but he _is_ pretty attuned to most of Steve’s little quirks. It’s hard not to be when he lives with the guy. So, Bucky’s used to a lot of Steve’s tendencies, good and bad.

He never remembers to properly close the chips after he’s done eating them, he can’t work the heating system in their apartment for the life of him, and he likes to cuddle with Bucky underneath their duvet every time the weather gets bad while they’re both home. As cute as that last one is, Bucky can’t help but feel his heart twinge when he thinks about _why_ Steve gets so antsy and smothering when the weather turns anything south of sunny and warm.

Steve also tends to forget to refill their toilet paper (which is _infuriating_ in Bucky’s opinion), turns on the radio every time he walks into the kitchen, and takes the shortest showers known to man. Which makes up for the toilet paper thing, mostly. Steve claims the short showers are a byproduct of his time spent in the Army and SHIELD’s locker room, but Bucky is smug to know that there’s one time when Steve _will_ take a long shower, and that’s when Bucky is in there with him. Usually being more than a little counterproductive to the cause of getting them both clean.

That’s why Bucky is pretty sure something has to have gone horribly wrong on Steve’s latest mission for him to be in their shower this long, close to half an hour. It’s more than enough time for his usual tits-bits-and pits scrub, but from what Bucky can hear, the water is still running. There haven’t been any huge thuds or screams, so Steve probably isn’t physically hurt, definitely wasn’t when Bucky had helped strip him of his uniform to shower in the first place, but there’s a sinking feeling in Bucky’s stomach that tells him something is still _wrong_.

He hovers outside the bathroom door, worrying nervously at his bottom lip and resisting the urge to just barge in and see for himself what’s going on. He knows he can’t do that, even if the door is probably unlocked like Steve always leaves it. Bucky is well aware of how much PTSD affects Steve after all he’s been through, and barging in unannounced on a naked veteran while he’s probably feeling vulnerable and cagey after combat? Yeah, not a good move.

Still, Bucky really is getting worried, so he makes takes in a grounding breath, raises a closed fist, and knocks gently on the bathroom door. “Steve? You okay in there?”

He knows Steve can hear him. Or- he should be able to be. He’s got the hearing of a super solider, but there are times where he checks out in the middle of a bad headspace, and Bucky is praying that now isn’t one of those instances. He never minds helping Steve through it, never will when Steve has done the same for him, but he can’t keep from hating the pain it always brings to his boyfriend’s eyes. Thankfully, there’s a shuffling noise from inside, and Steve calls back hesitantly. “Uh- yeah, Buck. I’m alright.” He doesn’t sound like he’s been crying, but he doesn’t sound particularly _okay_ , either.

Bucky frowns and lays his flesh palm flat on the door, flexing his fingers against the smooth grain of the wood while he figures out how to move forward. He decides to go with the tactic that usually works best in getting Steve to talk about things, even though he kind of hates using it. “I’m getting’ kinda worried, sweetheart,” Bucky says carefully. “You’ve been in there a while. Mind if I come in?”

The thing about Steve is he’s almost never willing to consider or care about his own feelings, no matter how much Bucky tries to needle him into it. However- what he _does_ care about are other peoples’ feelings, particularly those that he cares about. And that includes Bucky. Realistically, that applies to Bucky most of all. Bucky loves that- loves _Steve_ \- but he doesn’t love having to use it to convince Steve to talk about what _he’s_ feeling in fear of hurting _Bucky’s_ feelings. Bucky tries to avoid it at most costs, but right now he’s worried enough to play that card, no matter how guilty it makes him feel.

Regardless of his guilt, it works. It always does. Steve doesn’t open the door for him, but as soon as Bucky hears the begrudging “come in” amidst the rushing water, he’s twisting the door handle and pushing it open to reveal Steve, standing in front of him with his back to him.

Bucky blinks. He’s not sure what he wasn’t expecting, but it wasn’t…this. Steve is still clothed in the tank and shorts he had worn under his uniform, and his hair is still dry. He doesn’t look like he’s showered at all, despite the fact that it’s still running beside him. Instead, Steve is standing in front of the sink, hands gripping the countertop and eyes fixed on his reflection in the mirror with an intensity that makes Bucky inhale sharply. Steve’s eyes immediately flick to meet Bucky’s in the mirror, dropping down to his white knuckles afterwards. He looks guilty, and Bucky wants to rush forward and wrap him up in reassurances that he doesn’t need to be, but he doesn’t, because he can see even from here just how tight Steve’s shoulders are. He’s practically shaking with how tightly he’s clutching the countertop, and Bucky isn’t sure how touch-averse he might be right now.

“Hey, Stevie,” Bucky says softly, leaning against the doorframe. “What’s the matter, huh? You don’t look so hot.”

“I’m fine,” Steve says immediately, but Bucky shakes his head, watching the way it makes Steve’s reflection deflate.

“No, honey, you’re not. Why else would you be sittin’ here and starin’ in the mirror for so long, huh?” he asks, trying to keep his voice gentle. “I’m worried about you, Steve, tell me what’s eatin’ at you?” It’s a dirty move, he knows, using the same trick twice in one go, but he thinks it’s needed. The amount of exhaustion and anguish in Steve’s eyes, fixed on himself in the mirror- Bucky hates it, even more than he hates having to con Steve into talking about his feelings.

Steve’s next breath he takes in is shaky. “I just- It was a lot, today,” he says tiredly. “It always is, but it just hit me harder than usual today, is all.”

“The mission?” Bucky asks, but Steve makes a noise of disagreement, tipping his head forward and down so he’s essentially hunched over the sink. Bucky’s heart aches, and he can’t help but take a few steps forward, still aching to touch, but not wanting to until Steve’s back isn’t to him. “Then what is it, baby? Tell me.”

“Being _him_ ,” Steve whispers, and Bucky’s heart shatters at the weight the words hold. He knows exactly who Steve is referring to. Steve goes on, words spilling out like now that he’s started, he can’t stop. “I love helping people,” he stumbles out, voice rising with every word. “I love it, but I hate having to put on that costume- that persona- it makes me feel like a fraud, Bucky, it makes me feel like they own me sometimes!” He’s almost hysterical by the time he gets the last word out, and he spins around to finally face Bucky, gesturing wildly towards his face, still clean shaven from the orders he had received before he left. “Look at this shit, Bucky!” he hisses. “You know I don’t- I don’t want this!” The _this_ in question is having to shave, Bucky knows. Steve has always felt more comfortable with a beard, and Bucky privately prefers him with one, too, but as soon as Steve received mission orders, he always had to shave it off. Captain America doesn’t have a beard, according to Nick Fury, SHIELD’s PR, and the public. “I hate it, Buck.”

Bucky knew that Steve hated having to shave it off every other month, but he hadn’t known how much, apparently. Steve is almost in tears right now, and his eyes are desperately looking at Bucky like he’s searching for an answer, but all Bucky can offer is “I know, baby. I know,” before Steve is practically throwing himself onto Bucky, arms grasping at his back.

“I hate it,” Steve repeats, muffled into Bucky’s neck. “I know it’s dumb- shouldn’t matter- but I hate it. I hate it so much.”

Now that he’s been given the okay to touch him, Bucky doesn’t hold back in the embrace, squeezing Steve tight and rubbing a hand up and down his back. “No, Stevie, it’s not dumb. It’s you, it’s your body. You’re allowed to be upset about it,” he murmurs, voice gentle, even while he’s wanting nothing more than to find Nick Fury and land him one in the face right now with his arm that won’t be stopped by the threat of pain. “Baby, they don’t own you. You might work for them, but they don’t own you at all. You want to say no, they can’t make you change your body if you don’t want to change it.”

“I- I know,” Steve whispers. “I know, but- everyone just expects so much. Everyone expects me to be him, I can’t let them down.” He sounds so defeated, almost scared, and it makes something in Bucky snap.

“Not everyone,” he says firmly. “Not me, Stevie, you got that?”

Steve lifts his head from Bucky’s neck, looking at him with confused eyes, red with unshed tears. “What?” he asks, voice small.

“I don’t expect you to be him, Steve,” Bucky says fiercely, eyes locking with Steve’s. “I don’t ever want you to be him, because that’s not who I fell in love with. I fell in love with Steve Rogers. You aren’t him, Stevie, they do not own you, because _you are not him_.”

That seems to do it. Steve’s got tears streaming down his face in seconds, pitching his head back forward to hide against Bucky’s neck. “I wanna tell them no,” he breathes, voice thick. “I wanna tell them _no_ , Buck, every time I come back from being him, I feel so awful. I don’t want to be him when I’m with you, but sometimes I feel like I lose a bit of myself every time they make me go out there.”

“Even if you did lose yourself, honey, I’d find you,” Bucky promises, fitting his flesh hand into Steve’s hair to cradle his head against him. “You can tell them no, Steve. They try and make you do shit you don’t want to after you say no, they’ll have me to deal with, got it?”

Steve lets out a watery laugh against his neck, but his next words are hopeful, even if they’re still shaky with tears. “Yeah, baby? You gonna protect an Avenger now?”

“Someone’s got to,” Bucky says quietly, twisting to press a kiss against Steve’s forehead. “I’m serious, Steve. They got you doin’ shit to yourself that gets you this torn up, it needs to stop. You don’t want it, you don’t have to do it. You already do so much for all of us, you don’t need to do all this, too. Not if you don’t want it.”

“I don’t want it,” Steve sighs. “I don’t- I just-“

“I know it’s hard, Stevie. That doesn’t mean it’ll stop you.”

Steve plants a kiss of his own on Bucky’s neck, still hiding his face, but words coming out stronger. “It’s easier when I have you to back me up. Got the damn serum, but you’re still the thing that makes me stronger.”

“Sap,” Bucky tells him fondly, smiling softly when Steve lifts his head and leans forward to kiss him chastely on the lips. “You need a shower still,” he informs him after he pulls back.

Steve hums and comes back for another kiss. “Wasted so much water my Ma’s probably rolling in her grave,” he mutters. “I’ll be quick this time, promise.”

“Better be,” Bucky says. “It’s about to rain and _my_ Ma always said it’s bad luck to shower in a thunderstorm.”

Steve looks mildly alarmed for a second, and Bucky wants to slap himself. “It’s gonna storm?” he asks anxiously, and Bucky tries to hurriedly correct the situation before Steve gets worked back up and never bathes again.

“How about you shower quick while I put our comforter in the dryer so it’ll be all warm and cozy when you get out?” he suggests, smoothing his hand down Steve’s back. “I can queue up something on the TV and make some popcorn. We can cuddle and watch whatever you want.”

Steve seems to be settled by the offer, smiling hesitantly at him and nodding. “That sounds good,” he agrees. “Can we watch _The Princess Bride_?” he asks, grinning hopefully. Bucky rolls his eyes. Like he even needs to ask, that movie is one of their favorites.

“I guess I can suffer through it a tenth time,” he says dramatically. “Now go shower.” He wiggles out of Steve’s arms, and pushes him towards the shower with a challenging eyebrow. “Get naked so we can ogle Westley together.”

“Sure you don’t wanna stay and watch?” Steve grins cheekily, but Bucky refuses to be deterred.

“Shower, Steven. That’s an order.”

“Yessir,” Steve laughs, mock saluting him. “I’ll be quick.”

“Better be,” Bucky calls, stepping out of the bathroom to head towards their room to collect the duvet. “Don’t keep me and Westley waiting!”

“I’d never!” Steve yells back. Bucky hears the telltale squeak of his heels against the shower floor a moment later and sighs in relief.

Now, he needs someone to get him Nick Fury’s phone number so he can arrange for a little chat regarding his boyfriend’s beard.

**Author's Note:**

> spare comments & kudos for steve and his suffering?


End file.
